Why don’t we all grieve the same way? Grief isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience – especially in a bereaved family
We used to think there was a ‘right’ way to grieve. You know, the whole crying-all-the-time, can’t-get-out-of-bed thing. So when Sal was back at her PR job two months after her mum died – smashing deadlines, running events, showing up smiling – she wondered if something was wrong with her. Meanwhile, Im was sobbing in the car most days, struggling with brain fog and the deep, emotional overwhelm that made it impossible to function. As is often the case with a family bereavement, Im’s sister took charge of all the funeral arrangements and was incredible at all of the death-admin that needed to be done. Yet Im? She was immobile. And she wondered the same: am I doing grief wrong?
in Western Culture there is often the expectation that people grieve in an emotional way. So, for Sal, it felt abnormal to her that she wasn’t constantly weeping. It turns out, there is no ‘wrong’ way to grieve. We were just grieving differently. And that realisation brought a sense of relief and validation.
Grieving in a bereaved family: why we clash
When a family bereavement occurs, it’s not unusual for each member to cope differently. Person A might be a doer, like Sal, and show little emotion publicly. While Person B might be constantly sobbing, and need to talk to everyone about how they are feeling. It can cause friction, tension and fall outs. Person A might thing Person B is overreacting it, while Person B might think Person A isn’t grieving the loss at all. For most people, it comes down to not understanding that we all respond differently. It can be really useful, especially for bereaved families, to understand the grieving styles. Because when we understand people aren’t being weird or difficult, we can learn how to support them to meet their needs.
Welcome to the grief Olympics (aka intuitive vs instrumental styles)
What we later learned – through the podcast and research – is that people process grief in different ways. In their book Grieving Beyond Gender, psychiatrists Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin introduced the idea of two ends of a grief spectrum: intuitive (feelers) and instrumental (doers). It clicked instantly.
Sal’s the doer. Give her a to-do list, and she’ll power through her grief like she’s training for the grief Olympics. Im’s the feeler – the tears, the sadness, the crawling under a blanket and staying there. Both are valid. Both are normal. And most people are somewhere in between. This understanding can help you feel accepted and understood in your unique grieving process.
Understanding the grieving styles
Intuitive grief is emotional, felt deeply in the body, and often expressed outwardly. These grievers tend to seek out support and share openly as a way to process what’s happening.
Instrumental grief shows up more cognitively or behaviourally – it’s the kind of grief that leans into action and doing, often as a way to cope. People with this style might perceive the loss as a challenge to navigate or ‘solve’, and are more likely to express feelings like anger.
Grieving styles in a bereaved family: why we clash
Understanding your own grieving style is powerful, but where this theory really helps is in your relationships. Because here’s the truth: even in the same family bereavement, no two people will grieve the same. And when one person is busy clearing out the house, and the other can’t bear to open a drawer, tension can bubble up. Couples, siblings, and even friends can feel out of sync.
But it’s not about doing grief the ‘right’ way. It’s about doing it your way – and understanding that your partner, your mate, or your sister might be doing it theirs. This realisation can empower you to grieve in a way that feels right for you, without the pressure of conforming to any ‘standard’.
What to say to someone who is grieving – when you grieve differently
When someone close to you is grieving differently, start with curiosity, not judgment. If you are coping with a family bereavement, a good place to start could be to ask each other, “How has this been feeling for you lately?” or “I’m here for you – even if we’re doing this differently.” You don’t need the perfect script. What to say to someone grieving is less about the words and more about holding space.
This theory is helpful, but it’s not the whole story. The way we grieve is also shaped by our relationship to the person, our culture, mental health, other life stressors, and our beliefs about death. Family bereavement is complex. Grieving styles are one part of a much bigger picture, which we talk about in more detail in our griuef book.
Your grief, your way
If you’re an intuitive griever, you might find comfort in journaling, talking, or being in community. If you’re more instrumental, creating a memorial or channelling your energy into a task might help. And if you’re supporting someone else? Get curious about what helps them. Understanding your own grieving style is a powerful tool for personal growth and healing, as well as helping to make a family bereavement a little bit easier. It can help you navigate your grief journey and find the coping strategies that work best for you.
Because grief isn’t linear. It’s messy, contradictory, and deeply personal. And when we stop comparing, stop judging, and start understanding – especially in the chaos of a bereaved family – that’s where real connection begins.
An extra helpful resource for you
Before we go, if you’re experiencing changing relationships after loss, check out our podcast interview below with Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams from What’s Your Grief. It’s really helpful. Oh and also, they have a great article on the grieving styles, where they go into more detail about the gender roles behind the theory.
Author bio:
Imogen Carn is a speaker, grief educator, and co-host of Good Mourning, one of the world’s top grief podcasts with over 1.2 million downloads. After losing her mum suddenly, Imogen became passionate about creating a space where grief could be spoken about honestly, without the sugar-coating. She is the co-author of Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss, and her work has been featured in major media outlets including ABC TV, Mamamia, The Daily Mail, and The Daily Telegraph. Through raw storytelling, compassionate insights, and community connection, Imogen helps others feel seen and supported in the messiness of grief.
Connect with Imogen on LinkedIn.
Looking for grief support? Explore tools, resources, and community that help
If you’re looking for ongoing support as you navigate grief, the Good Mourning Grief Support Membership offers expert-informed tools, compassionate resources, and a supportive community to help you feel less alone. Whether you’re in early grief or rebuilding life after loss, our membership is designed to give you practical strategies, grief and loss tools, and guided support from people who truly get it. From exclusive grief resources to live sessions and expert Q&As, it’s a safe space for grieving people to explore how to cope with grief, process emotions, and build resilience, at your own pace.
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