A gentle guide to coping with loss during the holidays when you’re grieving
Grief at Christmas: Why the Holidays Feel Harder
The holiday season often brings an onslaught of emotions for those grieving. Christmas grief can feel like a stark reminder of the empty seat at the table and the loved ones who are no longer here to celebrate. While everyone around you seems focused on joy and festivities, it’s okay if your reality feels less like “ho-ho-ho” and more like “no-no-no.”
You might feel pressured to join in, but it’s essential to prioritise yourself during this emotionally loaded time of year. Here are practical ways to protect your energy, set boundaries, and honour your loved one while navigating grief at Christmas.
1. Communicate What You Need
If your capacity for being festive is low, let people you trust know. You don’t have to get into the Christmas spirit if it feels too much. Being honest with those around you can help take the pressure off. You could say something like, “I’m not feeling festive this year and want to keep things low-key, but I’d still like your support.” Dealing with Christmas grief, being transparent with your support circle can help them help you.
2. Avoid Overcommitting When Grieving During the Holidays
During the festive season, it’s tempting to fill your calendar with things to do. But in the long run, it can be exhausting. So be honest with yourself. If you don’t have the energy, let others know you might need to leave early, or skip events altogether. Setting realistic expectations can help you avoid holiday burnout and manage your Christmas grief.
3. Learn to Say No
Sometimes the best way to protect yourself is by saying no. It’s perfectly okay to decline invitations to social events right now if it feels too overwhelming. Be mindful of who you spend your time with, and limit your interactions with people who don’t make you feel supported, especially if you’re experiencing Christmas grief. Remember, your well-being matters above all.
4. Create New Christmas Traditions
Maybe you have something you already do to remember your person, or maybe you want to start something new. Lighting a candle at the start of the day and blowing it out at the end of the day is a lovely idea. Or saving a seat at the table, making their favourite dish, or having a bauble on the Christmas tree with their photo or name on it are all things we’ve heard our Good Mourning community share on our podcast about how they cope with Christmas grief.
For us, our mums’ quirky Christmas traditions remain special. Im’s mum would decorate a twig instead of a Christmas tree, while Sal’s mum topped hers with a stuffed Miss Piggy toy. Now, we carry forward their unique traditions to feel close to them during the holidays, easing our Christmas grief.
5. Acknowledge New Year Grief
Christmas is often followed by another emotional hurdle – New Year’s grief. We talk about how facing a new year without your loved one can feel overwhelming in our grief book. The countdown, celebrations, and resolutions may feel out of place when you’re just trying to survive. We feel you.
But moving into a new year doesn’t mean leaving your loved one behind. It can be helpful to reframe the transition as an opportunity to carry forward their memory. One way to process these emotions is through journaling or writing down their story, as one of our community members, Francesca, shared. Writing can offer immense relief and help shift unhelpful thought patterns when dealing with Christmas grief.
6. Focus on Realistic Goals When Grieving at Christmas
Rather than big resolutions, set gentle intentions for the new year:
- Brian dumping griefy thoughts for 5 minutes a day.
- Making time for one small micro act of self-care in your day.
- Move your body for 20 minutes each day.
- Limit screen time before bed, to help improve your sleep.
7. Find Comfort in Everyday Rituals
Honouring your person doesn’t have to be limited to milestone days like Christmas or New Year. The Continuing Bonds theory suggests that maintaining a relationship with someone who has passed is a healthy way to grieve.
Here are small rituals you can weave into your daily life:
- Talk to them or imagine what advice they’d give.
- Wear something of theirs, like jewellery or a favourite scarf.
- Take up a hobby they enjoyed or volunteer for a cause they cared about.
- Visit a special place that reminds you of them.
For Sal, walking to the headland where her mum’s ashes are scattered offers a weekly moment of connection. For Im, saying goodnight to a photo of her mum with her daughter keeps her close, easing the pain of Christmas grief.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Grieving during the holidays is hard. It’s okay to cry, take breaks, or say no. Give yourself loads of grace right now – you’re doing the best you can. And remember, it’s just another day.
If you want more on how to survive Christmas when you’re grieving, we have an entire episode in our grief podcast dedicated to the topic, which you can check out here.
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Author bio:
Sally Douglas is a grief educator, speaker, certified breathwork practitioner and coach, and co-founder of Good Mourning – a globally top-ranked grief podcast with over 1.2 million downloads. Following the sudden death of her mother, Sally became passionate about helping others navigate grief with more honesty and compassion. She is co-author of the bestselling book Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss and has been featured in ABC News, BBC Radio, Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and The Sydney Morning Herald. Sally is a leading voice in the grief space, blending lived experience with trauma-informed tools to support emotional wellbeing.
Connect with Sally on LinkedIn.
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