What to say to a grieving person. Because let’s face it, it’s hard.
Knowing what to say to a mourning friend is HARD. And awkward. And did we mention hard?! When someone dies, it’s common to feel super awkward, or worry that they might not want to talk about it. Maybe it’s a divorce, a job loss, or a death. It all hurts, and it can all bring on huge feelings of grief.
Providing grief support isn’t about fixing the pain — it’s about being present and compassionate.You don’t have to fly in like a superhero and make the pain go away. There’s no cape required for grief support, but there are some simple ways that you can be there to provide the best grief support. If you’re wondering how to check in on someone grieving and what to say (or not to say), we’ve got you covered.
Grief Support Starts with Real Talk
Our advice is to ditch the flowery language and keep it real. It can be such a breath of fresh air for someone deep in grief to hear some honesty. Saying something like “I know it’s a really hard time of year for you and I wish you weren’t going through this. I want you to know I’m here for you if you want to cry on me / have a good rant / have me make you endless cups of tea / chat about your person.” You don’t have to sound like a Hallmark card – keep your “sweetest sympathies” spiel at home. Simply acknowledging that the situation is difficult is enough. Grieving people appreciate real talk, so don’t be afraid to express how hard it is.
Something as simple as ‘This is tough on you, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here to show that you see their pain versus ‘My condolences’, which can feel like you’ve just Googled a generic phrase.
Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline
After a loss, people rally around. Your grieving friend might’ve been cushioned by the support of others for the first few weeks, or even months. But as time goes by, life resumes and people can drop away. From our experience through the work we do at Good Mourning, this is often when people need grief support the most – the shock has worn off and they’re navigating life without their person. Staying present, checking in, and continuing to offer bereavement support long after others have moved on can make all the difference.
Contrary to popular opinion, the stages of grief were never meant for the bereaved. So if you’re Googling ‘5 stages of grief‘ and assuming that someone is going to be moving through set stages, know that grief doesn’t have a set timeline, or end date. Your friend will be feeling all the feels, and their loss is something that they will learn to live with, not simply accept. It might become less intense over time, but it is always there in the background. Showing you understand this can mean so much.
Avoid Common Pitfalls: Say Nope to Platitudes
A platitude is a statement that people might use with all the best intentions to make someone feel better, but can be minimising for the person receiving. Let us give you an example: “at least they didn’t die in pain.”. It may come from a good place, but it can make someone deep in grief feel like their pain is being minimised, or that their feelings aren’t valid.
Instead of focusing on trying to fix their pain, focus on acknowledging it. Here are some examples.
- “I’m here for you.”
- “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I want you to know I care.”
- “Tell me about them if you feel up to it.”
Avoid phrases like:
- “At least they’re in a better place.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “You’ll move on eventually.
How to Check In on Someone Grieving
Asking someone “how are you?” often comes as second nature for so many of us. We might not stop to think it can be a tough question for someone grieving. They may respond with “fine, thanks”, But really, they are probably far from okay. When it comes to grief support, try tweaking your approach. Say something like, “How are you today?” By adding today, you give the signal that you are willing to listen to how they are in that moment.
Practical Ways to Support a Grieving Friend
Being a supportive friend doesn’t require grand gestures or to ‘nail’ it. We cover this extensively in our grief book, but here are some small yet meaningful ways you can provide grief support:
- Offer to help with practical tasks. After a death there’s so much that needs to be done. Chores and everyday tasks can often feel overwhelming. Proactively offer help with things like grocery shopping, cooking, or walking their dog.
- Check in regularly. Even if it’s just a quick text saying, Thinking of you – no need to reply, just wanted to let you know.
- Share memories of their loved one (if appropriate) to keep their memory alive. Ask them if they mind you sharing a memory. Oh, and say their person’s name often.
Thanks for being a great support person by reading this. If you want some more inspiration we have a whole chapter dedicated to supporting someone and much more in our grief book, Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss.
Looking for a thoughtful grief gift that offers comfort and support?
Our Grief and Loss Affirmation Cards are a meaningful way to help someone feel seen during one of life’s hardest moments. Designed to soothe, support, and gently uplift, they’re one of the most unique and heartfelt grief gifts available. Whether for yourself or someone you love, these cards offer daily reminders of strength, hope, and healing.
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We also have an entire episode dedicated to this topic on our grief podcast, Good Mourning. We’ve linked it below, so go on…stick us in your ears and up your grief support game.
Author bio:
Imogen Carn is a speaker, grief educator, and co-host of Good Mourning, one of the world’s top grief podcasts with over 1.2 million downloads. After losing her mum suddenly, Imogen became passionate about creating a space where grief could be spoken about honestly, without the sugar-coating. She is the co-author of Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss, and her work has been featured in major media outlets including ABC TV, Mamamia, The Daily Mail, and The Daily Telegraph. Through raw storytelling, compassionate insights, and community connection, Imogen helps others feel seen and supported in the messiness of grief.
Connect with Imogen on LinkedIn.
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