What Dr Lucy Hone taught us about resilient grieving.
Grief is a universal experience, yet building resilience after a death can feel like an impossible task. You’ve likely heard phrases like, “It never gets easier,” which can leave you feeling daunted and overwhelmed. But what if there was a simple, powerful question that could help you begin the process of recovery and growth following trauma? This could be a key in building your resilience.
In a recent episode of the Good Mourning grief podcast, we spoke with resilience psychology expert Dr Lucy Hone. A leading authority on psychological resilience, she shared her deeply personal story of navigating grief after the tragic death of her daughter, Abi. Although she was deep in pain, one small shift in perspective made a big difference to her experience of grief. And it has been central to her building resilience after a traumatic loss.
Dr Lucy Hone’s Resilient Grieving: a research-backed alternative to the Five Stages of Grief
Dr Hone shared that after her loss, much of the information she encountered about grief was unhelpful. It painted a grim picture of her future and offered little hope or empowerment. As someone who had dedicated years to studying resilience psychology she began to explore how her research could be applied to her personal journey. This led her to develop an alternative approach, which she calls Resilient Grieving (which is also the title of her excellent book).
Instead of focusing on the widely accepted five stages of grief, Lucy’s approach centres on cultivating strength, persistence, and a growth mindset to face adversity head-on. The biggest takeaway? Asking yourself one simple question.
Dr Lucy Hone shares her powerful TED Talk on resilience and grief, exploring insights from her book and personal story.Dr Lucy Hone’s resilience question: “Is this helping me or harming me?”
The question that Lucy began asking herself in the months after Abi’s death was “Is this helping me or harming me?”. The reason it is so powerful, she explained to us, is that it helps you become more self-aware. And by being more self-aware, slowly you can begin to take control of how you navigate difficult times. It’s not just grief that you can use this question for – it applies to so many aspects of life, such as:
- Self-care habits: Are your daily routines and habits supporting your mental and physical health. Or, are they making you feel stressed?
- Support networks: Are the people in your life offering understanding and compassion. Or, are they draining your energy?
- Coping strategies: Are the methods you’ve adopted helping you process your grief in a healthy way. Or, are they causing harm by neglecting your needs?
By asking yourself this powerful question, you can asses where you need to focus on for your own wellbeing.
What is resilience after grief? Dr Lucy Hone’s psychology-based approach
Resilience psychology defines resilience as the capacity to recover from difficulties and adapt to life’s challenges. It’s not about avoiding pain or bypassing suffering – it’s about finding constructive ways to move forward. Importantly, it’s a skill that can be cultivated over time. Anyone can build it!
What we love about Lucy Hone’s work is how it highlights that grieving isn’t about “getting over” a loss. Being resilient isn’t forgetting what has happened. It’s about integrating the experience into your life while finding the strength to live alongside it. What’s more, this approach challenges the outdated concept of the five stages of grief. Instead it offers a more empowering framework for those facing traumatic loss (and we’re absolutely here for that).
How to start healing after loss: build resilience with Dr Lucy Hone’s tools
Grief may never disappear entirely, but by practicing self-awareness and asking, “Is this helping me or harming me?”, you can start to build the skills needed to adapt and grow. Give this simple question a try in your own life, and let us know what happens. It’s a small but powerful step toward a more resilient and empowered you.
Want to know more about cultivating resilience after loss? Watch the full Dr Lucy Hone TED Talk on YouTube to learn how to build resilience after loss, or listen to our grief podcast episode with her below.
Looking for grief support? Explore tools, resources, and community that help:
If you’re looking for ongoing support as you navigate grief, the Good Mourning Grief Support Membership offers expert-informed tools, compassionate resources, and a supportive community to help you feel less alone. Whether you’re in early grief or rebuilding life after loss, our membership is designed to give you practical strategies, grief and loss tools, and guided support from people who truly get it. From exclusive grief resources to live sessions and expert Q&As, it’s a safe space for grieving people to explore how to cope with grief, process emotions, and build resilience, at your own pace.
Author bio:
Sally Douglas is a grief educator, speaker, certified breathwork practitioner and coach, and co-founder of Good Mourning – a globally top-ranked grief podcast with over 1.2 million downloads. Following the sudden death of her mother, Sally became passionate about helping others navigate grief with more honesty and compassion. She is co-author of the bestselling book Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss and has been featured in ABC News, BBC Radio, Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and The Sydney Morning Herald. Sally is a leading voice in the grief space, blending lived experience with trauma-informed tools to support emotional wellbeing.
Connect with Sally on LinkedIn.
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