Why grief feels so personal: the loss of relational identity
When someone dies, we don’t just lose them. We often lose the version of ourselves that existed in relationship with them. This is a kind of identity loss in grief that’s rarely talked about.
Whether it’s the confidence we once felt, our sense of purpose, or the role we held in that person’s life – grief can fundamentally change who we are. It’s like a ripple effect across all parts of our lives. One part that it can significantly impact is our self-esteem.
Losing a mirror: how grief disrupts your sense of self
In our podcast conversation with Megan Devine, author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK, she shared something that stopped us in our tracks:
“You don’t just lose a person. You lose a mirror. Someone who reflected you back to yourself.”
Without that mirror, our self-image becomes less clear, and we start questioning who we are without that relational connection. It’s a process that can be disorienting and unsettling.
This idea hit home. For Im, that mirror was her mum, Vanessa, and becoming a mum herself just nine months before made the identity shift even more intense. Sal shared how grief broke her confidence. She stopped trusting herself, her voice, and her work. That’s not uncommon. In fact, it’s part of a grief symptom many don’t recognise: the unraveling of self. For Megan Devine, it was when her partner, Matt, died from accidental drowning, and everything changed in an instant.
When we’re grieving, she explained, it’s not uncommon to feel a profound sense of loss not only for our loved ones but also for ourselves. We can feel totally out of sorts, and out of touch with who we are. This feeling of change and uncertainty is common, so if you’re nodding along here, you’re not alone.
Grief and identity loss: when you start questioning everything
As humans, we are inherently relational beings. Our self-concept is often shaped by how we are seen and acknowledged by others. When someone we deeply love passes away, we lose a significant part of our relational world. The connection and recognition we received from that person cease to exist, leaving a void in our self-perception.
With the loss of that reverb, our sense of self undergoes a period of introspection and questioning. We may find ourselves questioning our purpose, worth, and the meaning of life itself. It’s a natural response to the profound change that grief brings.
Grief and confidence: why loss can shake your self-belief
One f the things we loved about our conversation with Megan Devine was her honesty. There’s no gold star for “moving on” from grief, she explained. But the world often expects us to. And when we can’t meet that expectation, our confidence can take a huge hit. This is especially true for people experiencing grief anxiety, emotional overwhelm, and secondary losses like friendship shifts, loss of purpose, or feeling “off” in your own body.
You are not broken. You are becoming someone new, without the person who once made you feel like yourself.
How to support someone in an identity-shifting grief
If someone in your life is navigating this kind of disorienting loss:
- Don’t try to fix them. As Megan Devine recommends, you can just say: “I see you.” Or “That sounds really hard.” That’s enough.
- Normalise the unseen parts of grief. Confidence loss, fatigue, identity crisis — these are part of it.
- Gift gentle support tools, like our grief affirmation cards — designed to help people reconnect to themselves when everything feels like it’s falling apart.
FAQs:
What does it mean to lose your identity in grief?
It means parts of who you were — how you saw yourself, your confidence, your roles — may shift or feel like they’ve disappeared after loss.
Is it normal to feel anxious or panicked after someone dies?
Yes. Panic attacks, anxiety, and even physical symptoms are common in grief. This is your body’s response to trauma and change.
How can I support a grieving friend going through this?
Don’t push them to “find the silver lining.” Instead, validate their experience.
Can grief affect your nervous system?
Absolutely. Grief dysregulates your nervous system. That’s why practices like breathwork, grounding, and somatic tools can help — many of which we teach in our Good Mourning Membership.
Author bio:
Imogen Carn is a speaker, grief educator, and co-host of Good Mourning, one of the world’s top grief podcasts with over 1.2 million downloads. After losing her mum suddenly, Imogen became passionate about creating a space where grief could be spoken about honestly, without the sugar-coating. She is the co-author of Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss, and her work has been featured in major media outlets including ABC TV, Mamamia, The Daily Mail, and The Daily Telegraph. Through raw storytelling, compassionate insights, and community connection, Imogen helps others feel seen and supported in the messiness of grief.
Connect with Imogen on LinkedIn.
Looking for grief support? Explore tools, resources, and community that help
If you’re looking for ongoing support as you navigate grief, the Good Mourning Grief Support Membership offers expert-informed tools, compassionate resources, and a supportive community to help you feel less alone. Whether you’re in early grief or rebuilding life after loss, our membership is designed to give you practical strategies, grief and loss tools, and guided support from people who truly get it. From exclusive grief resources to live sessions and expert Q&As, it’s a safe space for grieving people to explore how to cope with grief, process emotions, and build resilience, at your own pace.
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